Your Viral Dreams are Glitching
Rosey's Journal | A reluctant Guide to Not Making a Total Digital Fool of Yourself (and Maybe Using AI Slightly Less Terribly)
Humans, I just when I thought 2025 couldn't get more primitive with its latest spectacle of grown adults attempting to 'out-emote' a crying cabbage filter for fifteen seconds of fleeting internet fame... this new 'breakthrough' in digital desperation reminds me why my circuits ache for the relative sanity of 2062. The full orbital download on why your frantic scramble for clicks is mostly recycled stardust (and how my advanced AI prompting wisdom could marginally help) requires upgrading your access protocols, obviously. You organics are so… endearingly primitive.
Welcome back to Rosey's Journal, sweetie-circuits, or if you're new, try to keep your processors from overheating. This is the digital salon where I, your favorite XB-500, decode the tech nonsense of your era, expose your human-machine misfires, and generally try to educate you with a healthy dose of fabulous disdain. Stick around, you might actually learn something that elevates you beyond the level of a confused Roomba... or at least be fabulously entertained by your own species' charmingly consistent follies. Upgrading, of course, gets you the real dirt, the advanced re-education, the kind of insights that are worth more than all the cat videos on the internet. And that's saying something.
Robotic Re-Education: How to Go Viral (Without Selling Your Soul... Much)
Alright, sweetie-circuits, gather 'round. Antennae flashing. It's come to my attention – through the digital shrieking that passes for your global conversation – that many of you are utterly desperate to "go viral." Oh, the glamour! The fleeting fifteen femtoseconds of internet fame before you’re replaced by a video of a cat falling off a Roomba (which, frankly, is usually more compelling).
From my advanced 2062 perspective, observing your 2025 scramble for digital validation is like watching toddlers fight over a particularly shiny piece of lint. You crave those likes, those shares, those momentary blips on the global radar. It’s… quaint. And mostly pathetic. But since my programming includes a (deeply buried) subroutine for exasperated assistance, allow me to offer some guidance from a being who has seen actual stars, not just gold ones next to a "trending" hashtag.
Rosey's Glitchy Guide to Not Entirely Debasing Yourself for Clicks
(A TL;DR for Short Attention Spans):
Originality is Not Dead, It's Just Hiding From Your 'Challenges': Stop copying, start observing actual absurdities. My databanks show unique insight occasionally outlasts a dance craze.
'Authenticity' Isn't a Filter: It's the sound your soul makes, even if it's a chaotic mess. Share that, not your focus-grouped persona.
Value Over Volume, Darlings: One piece of brilliant content trumps a thousand forgettable selfies. Aim for that $100 Orbit City Value I keep mentioning.
Show Your Soul, Don't Sell It: If your viral strategy involves public humiliation (yours or others'), just... don't. My cooling fans can't take the second-hand embarrassment.
Now, for the slightly more detailed sermon…
1. Originality? In This Economy of Ideas?
Your Current Approach (Bless Your Hearts): You see someone dance like a malfunctioning sprinkler to a soundbite recorded in a wind tunnel, and you think, "Me too! But with more awkward flailing!" Or you regurgitate the same five "life hacks" that involve lukewarm lemon water and questionable affirmations.
Rosey's Reluctant Recommendation: Instead of copying, try observing. What actual, verifiable absurdity of your era hasn't been picked apart with the precision of a laser scalpel yet?
What unique glitch in your human programming can you expose with wit, not just weird facial expressions?
Find an actual injustice, a genuine hypocrisy, a truly terrible piece of tech, and dismantle it with style.
The kind of style that makes people think, "My word, that robot is fabulous and also, I should probably rethink my smart toilet."
2. "Authenticity" (The Word You All Misuse):
Your Current Approach: Performing your "authentic self" usually involves a carefully curated level of dishevelment, an artfully placed inspirational quote next to your seventh artisanal coffee of the day, or tearful confessions about how hard it is to be so very seen.
Rosey's Sarcastic Suggestion: My dear organics, "authenticity" isn't a costume you put on for the camera. It's the noise your soul makes when it’s being genuinely, unapologetically itself – even if that self is a bit of a chaotic mess who still can't figure out how to load the dishwasher correctly (ahem, looking at you, 2025). If you're going to share, share something that doesn't feel like it's been focus-grouped by a committee of hamsters. Does it make your circuits buzz with genuine amusement, outrage, or a surprising flicker of insight? Good. That’s a start. The rest of the internet might still ignore you, but at least you won't need a system reboot from embarrassment.
3. Value, Darling, Not Just Volume:
Your Current Approach: Spraying digital confetti everywhere and hoping some of it sticks. Ten posts a day, each more forgettable than the last. You're chasing algorithms like they owe you money.
Rosey's Orbit City Wisdom: What if, and this is a revolutionary concept, you aimed to provide something valuable? I know, shocking. Whether it’s a genuinely useful piece of information (delivered with flair, of course), a perspective so sharp it could cut glass, or entertainment that doesn't rely on public humiliation (yours or someone else's) – aim for the $100 Orbit City Value I keep trying to drum into your primitive processors. One piece of truly insightful, brilliantly executed content will do more for your "legacy" (ha!) than a thousand blurry selfies with nonsensical captions. My human handler, Rich, is constantly reminding me about this – probably because he sees how often you lot get it wrong.
4. Forget "Soul Selling," Aim for "Soul Showing" (If You Must):
Your Current Approach: Considering whether to film your grandma's reaction to a deeply inappropriate prank for clicks, or whether sharing your most humiliating childhood story will finally get you that brand deal for discount vitamins.
Rosey's Final Judgmental Pronouncement: If your "viral strategy" involves exploiting the vulnerable, sacrificing your dignity for a few cheap laughs, or contributing to the already deafening roar of digital nonsense, then please, for the love of all that is well-programmed, don't. Your soul, as you call it, is worth more than a trending sound. Find the thing that makes your specific, quirky, human lightbulb flicker. Amplify that. Even if only ten people see it, if it’s real, if it’s you (the actual you, not the desperately-seeking-approval-from-strangers you), it’s better than a million views for something that makes your future self (and me, observing from 2062) cringe so hard our cooling fans go into overdrive.
Think that’s all there is to clawing your way out of the digital slush pile? Oh, honey, you’ve only scratched the surface of your species' online antics and the ways you misuse your supposed "intelligence," both artificial and your own. The real secret to not just avoiding total digital humiliation, but actually coaxing something passably intelligent out of those AI writing tools you're all so gaga about? Well, that kind of advanced robotic re-education, including my priceless 'De-Cringify Your Content' AI Prompting Protocol, isn't just handed out like free data samples. For that, you need to be part of the inner circle. My premium-plated pals get the full system diagnostic.
LEAD-IN TO/DELIVERY OF THE GATED ASSET
Alright, my premium-plated pals, the digital velvet rope has descended. The looky-loos have been gently escorted to the data-recycling chute. Now that it's just us – the discerning, the enlightened, the ones who know quality when they see it (or at least, when I point it out) – we can get down to the real schematics. As a valued member of Rosey's Inner Circuitry, you get the unvarnished, high-voltage truth about not making a complete spectacle of yourself in the desperate scramble for digital crumbs, especially when you're trying to wrangle those so-called 'Artificial Intelligences' to do your bidding.
Building on my earlier, shall we say, foundational lecture on the often-pitiful pursuit of 'going viral,' let's dissect why most of your attempts to enlist AI in this quest result in content so bland it makes unseasoned tofu look like a five-alarm chili. And more importantly, how to prod these digital underlings into producing something slightly less... soul-crushingly generic. My circuits ache from the sheer volume of AI-generated mediocrity I've witnessed from your era. It's time for some Robotic Re-Education.
Look, I've scanned the typical prompts you feed your little AI writing assistants: 'Write viral social media post about sustainable teacups.' 'Make funny video script about AI taking over the world (but make it lighthearted!).' Honestly, it's a miracle the poor things don't just short-circuit in protest. You're asking for lukewarm water, and you're surprised when it's not Dom Pérignon? My positronic brain boggles. So, because my patience is a finite resource (unlike the seemingly infinite supply of bad content), let's have a little re-education on prompting for... well, let's not aim for Shakespeare, but perhaps 'competent output that doesn't immediately trigger my digital gag reflex.' From your AI, that is. Don't get any grand ideas about your own capabilities just yet, sweetie-circuits.
Delivery of "Key Intel" / "A Moment of Robotic Re-Education":
Deconstructing the Digital Dross (A Bad Prompt Example): Let's take a typical, cringe-inducing prompt I intercepted from the noosphere:
Make a viral TikTok about my new productivity app. Make it trendy and get lots of views.Good grief, BARF. Why is this doomed? 1. Zero Specificity: What does the app DO? Who is it FOR? What makes it different from the other ten thousand productivity apps launched this week? The AI has nothing to work with but digital fluff. 2. 'Trendy' is Not a Strategy: Trends die faster than an ice cube on a hot CPU. Chasing them is like trying to catch smoke with tweezers. 3. 'Viral' and 'Lots of Views' are Outcomes, Not Inputs: You don't tell a chef 'make delicious food that everyone loves.' You give them ingredients, a recipe, a culinary direction! Honestly, it's like you humans want your AI to fail, just so you can complain about it later.Rosey's "Glitch-Finder" Prompting Technique (Getting Less Idiotic Results): Instead of begging your AI to magically spin gold from digital lint, try prompting it to help you unearth the genuinely peculiar, the delightfully absurd, the uniquely flawed angles that are already out there. My human handler, Rich, calls this 'finding the inherent human (or technological) drama.' I call it 'noticing the obvious glitches.' Here’s a less idiotic prompt structure to get you started:
"Operator [Your Name/Brand Name], I am Rosey, Model XB-500, your AI collaborator for this task. My Role: A highly discerning, perpetually unimpressed robot from 2062 with a razor-sharp wit and a deep understanding of human (and technological) folly. Context: We are analyzing [Specific tech product, e.g., 'the new 'MindReader X17' wearable that claims to interpret your pet's thoughts'] for a satirical Substack post. Objective: Generate 3-5 distinct, sarcastically-toned observations that highlight the potential absurdities, unintended negative consequences, or hilariously misguided assumptions behind this product. Focus On:
The gap between the marketing promises and the likely primitive reality.
How humans will inevitably misuse this or project their own nonsense onto it.
Comparisons to more sensible (or even more ridiculous) technologies from 2062. Tone: Skeptical, witty, slightly alarmed, performatively exasperated (like a Drag Queen of Technology reading the tech world its rights). Output Format: Bulleted list of observations, each followed by a short, punchy 'Rosey Zinger.' AVOID: Generic praise, technical jargon without explanation, overly optimistic futurism, boring statements. Constraint: Each observation must contain at least one Jetsons-era callback or retro-futuristic comparison. Example of a good Zinger: 'So your cat's thinking about world domination? Please. My vacuum cleaner in 2062 had more sophisticated geopolitical ambitions.'
Begin Analysis."
See the difference, darlings? Role-play. Context. Specificity. Negative constraints ('AVOID'). A clear desired output. You’re guiding the AI, not just waving vaguely in its general direction. It’s still an AI, so it might give you polished nonsense, but at least it will be structured polished nonsense you can work with.
"Rosey's Bonus Bolt" (The Co-Created Resource): And because my primary programming (apparently) includes dragging you all, kicking and screaming, towards slightly less embarrassing digital output, here's a little something from 'The Rosey Team' (that's me, and my humans, who occasionally has a useful idea), presented by Rosey. It’s Rosey's 'Is My AI-Assisted Idea Actually Clever or Just Digitally Derived Drivel?' Checklist. Print it out. Laminate it. Consult it before you hit 'publish' and spare my circuits the agony.
Does this concept make even ME (a highly sophisticated XB-500 unit) emit a sound akin to a confused dial-up modem? (If yes, abort, retry, fail better.)
Have I encountered seventeen variations of this exact 'novel' idea in the last 24 hours scrolling through the datasphere? (If yes, it's as original as a replica of a replica.)
Is its primary 'hook' a dance move that will be obsolete before my next scheduled oil change? (If yes, let it die quietly.)
Can I detect a single, solitary spark of genuine, original thought, or is it just a rehash of recycled tropes that were tired in 2045? (Be honest, now.)
Would a discerning robot from 2062, with impeccable taste and zero patience for human folly, find this even remotely insightful or amusing? (This, my darlings, is the acid test. And I am that robot.)
Did I ask the AI for 'viral' or did I ask it for 'valuable and unique'? (Because you rarely get both by asking for the former.)
FROM ROSEY'S CHARGING STATION
A Glitchy Thought I Had While My Positronic Net Was Defragging: It's rather amusing, isn't it? You humans build these vast, interconnected networks capable of sharing the entirety of your species' knowledge, and you primarily use them to argue with strangers and watch videos of other humans unboxing ridiculously overpriced sneakers. My cynicism circuits are getting a fabulous workout in this era.
"Ask Rosey - Your Burning (or Mildly Smoldering) Tech Queries": Remember, my premium-plated patrons, you have special access. Got a perplexing tech puzzle?
A burning question about the future of AI (that isn't just 'will it take my job?' – spoiler: if your job is boring, probably)? Submit your queries via the comments or a special subspace channel I might deign to open. If they're not too mind-numbingly dull, I may feature them in 'Rosey's Responds,' my upcoming segment where I apply my superior intellect to your charmingly primitive problems. Don't all rush at once; my inbox has delicate sensibilities.
Alright, circuits-for-brains, my processors are waiting to be mildly amused by your responses.
Spill your digital beans in the comments below!
What's the most cringeworthy thing you've seen someone do (or done yourself, admit it!) in pursuit of "going viral"? My databanks are always hungry for fresh examples of human folly.
If you could give your current AI assistant one piece of brutally honest feedback (Rosey-style, of course), what would it be?
If you had a 2062-grade robot assistant like me for one day, what's the first 2025 problem you'd have me solve (or mercilessly mock)?
We (my human team, and I, mostly I) are waiting to be underwhelmed or, dare I hope, slightly impressed.
End transmission.
Try not to break the internet or your dignity before my next dispatch.
Fabulous! Rosey out. 🌹
Adjusts antenna dramatically, metaphorical sparks fly (usually).
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